Breaking Down Breaking Dawn Part 2… Part 2

Picking up right where we left off, it’s time to go to battle. First of all, I need to say how much I respect the pre-battle positioning of the Cullens and their friends. Each individual group makes their own tiny v-formation within the greater v-formation. They’re basically fractals. No matter how close you get, you find more and more Vs. So everyone is ready to fight… to talk. The Volturi finally descend upon the battlefield and Sgt. Pepper himself comes out looking as faboosh as ever. Aro calls upon Edward who begrudgingly steps forward, and the look on Bella’s face could disrupt the sky. Kristen gives some really good face here. I want to note that the Twilight score suddenly kicks into gear just as Aro tells Bella, “Immortality becomes you.” I do not appreciate that. In the realm of good touch vs bad touch… this is a very bad touch. The thought of banging her like a screen door in a storm quickly falls by the wayside once he sees Renesmee (not unlike Jacob) and gives off a high pitched laughing scream that deserves some kind of award. CAN SOMEBODY GIVE HIM AN OSCAR? HE’S BLOODY BRILLIANT! Some other unimportant stuff happens, and then Aro’s girlfriend, Alice, appears. For a vampire, Alice sure was walking at a glacial pace. She approaches Aro, they hold hands like lovers, and IT begins. [I must preface this by saying that I knew what the twist would be going into the theater, as did many of you, seeing how it was in the freaking trailer. But! Knowing the twist didn’t make it any less awesome to hear the gasps and screams as it all fell apart.] Okay. So Alice realizes that Aro isn’t going to let them live, so she turns to Bella and mouths “Now”. As in, get rid of your baby. Bella then turns to Jake and says, “Take care of my daughter,” and then they bail. Nobody around her cares. Not Edward. Not Carlisle. No one— and so neither do I. This, to me, is the single most infuriating thing about the movie. It’s indicative of my biggest grievance with the ENTIRE saga of movies, in fact. [I understand this was part of Alice’s flash that was concocted for the movie, but the preparation for Renesmee and Jacob to leave actually took place in the book. So, they should’ve read it.] Just before Renesmee and Jacob take off, Edward never has that moment of realization about what Bella had been up to behind his back. More importantly, once Renesmee and Jacob do leave, Bella and Edward never share that moment of “If you jump, I jump,” and THAT is an absolute travesty. THAT’S THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE MOVIES! It goes against every single foundational thing they’ve established in the 4 movies prior. In the book (YEAH, I OPENED THE BOOK BECAUSE I WAS SO MAD): “Edward took my hand. He knew that he was included. When I said my fate, there was no question that I meant the two of us. We were just halves of the whole.” The movie makes it look like Edward doesn’t love his wife or daughter. And Bella doesn’t give a shit so she doesn’t even tell her husband what she did, nor does she say goodbye. And the fight with the Volturi is just another fight. But, most egregiously, it undercuts the idea that was established in the first movie way back when–that Bella and Edward cannot live without each other. Or even something as simple as… uh… they love each other. This was the chance to have a moment. To have a prom scene in Twilight. To have a reunion in New Moon. To have an engagement in Eclipse. To have a wedding in Breaking Dawn. And instead we get nothing. There is no moment in Breaking Dawn Part 2, and the best moment in this movie happens to be a montage of scenes from every OTHER movie. Ass.fucking.backwards. because Edward and Bella’s connection with each other is the ONLY THING that actually makes me give a shit about the series. Forget Renesmee. Forget Jacob. Forget Rosalie’s baby-snatching ways (done!). Edward and Bella are why we care about Twilight–they are the heartbeat of the story–a fact that has been rudely swept under the rug. BUT YOU CAN’T FOOL ME! BECAUSE I’M THE GIRL WHO LOOKS UNDER YOUR RUG. Then I judge the fuck out of you for what I find under there. So yeah, they royally effed up this scene for me. It could’ve been great. But my biggest grievance, something that has left me INCREDIBLY UPSET, is that Edward didn’t get a chance to say, “Goodbye, Jacob, my brother… my son.” OHHH MY GODDD COULD YOU IMAGINE ROBERT PATTINSON DOING THAT!? Imagine that just for a moment. So Carlisle charges forward but is unfortunately beheaded. ESME’S FACE, GUYS. IT HURTS. I’ll never forget the gasps of horror in my movie theater, ever. Was it as good for you as it was for me (that’s what he/she said)? Then Edward charges forward to avenge his fake father’s beheading. (Also note: never once looks at his wife. Cool.) (Bella? Maybe J.Jenks can whip up some vampire divorce papers idk.) The battle is absolute mayhem. Lots of people are dying. But for me, I can’t stand when Seth dies. My notes say: “Why the fuck do I care that a wolf is dead omg but like SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH and then the life leaves his eyes and I want to LaPush myself off a cliff. And then Leah coming in like a sacrificial lamb for Esme…it kills me.” I must admit that I thought Edward was going to die in the vision. I was preparing for it. Bella’s expression is heartbreaking. But then he comes flying out of the abyss and busting through a rock like Superman. How did he manage that one? Can someone explain the physics? So Bella is relieved and other stuff happens and eventually they kill Aro and everyone cheers. And then the camera zooms out and people scream in relief, as it was just a vision. I DIG IT. I ABSOLUTELY DIG IT. Just because I knew what was going to happen doesn’t make me appreciate it any less. It’s brilliant on their part… or as brilliant as Twilight can get. Far more clever than they’ve been in the past. Excellently executed, and the actors did a great job with their stunts. Because of Alice’s vision of his imminent death, Aro convinces everyone to leave because he’s actually a pussy. He takes one final look at the Cullens and all I could think was “gurl bye”. Alas, Sgt. Pepper will live to see another day. And NOBODY is more upset about that than The Count. Cue the Twilight score and I want to feel something as I watch the Cullen family embrace but instead I’m like, wait can we go back to the prom scene and do one last spin? We can’t? Okay. I’ll close my eyes and pretend instead.